Monday, August 23, 2010

Third Chances

Vulnerable
Here is a word that describes me every Sunday. I am for the most part a VERY closed book. I sometimes refer to the difficult times we have had on here but I have never discussed the difficulty we have gone through with anyone but a very few people. There is only one,besides myself... and that is Christian that knows the extent of trials that we have faced over the last 2 years.
Sundays became a very difficult day for me when things started going downhill. Going to church was the only place that I had to interact and see people out of my normal day to day schedule. It has been the one place where I have no control over the people around me. It has been one of the biggest struggles for me during all this. I struggle to stay composed. I struggle to be outgoing and friendly. I struggle to be the kind of wife that my husband needs me to be as he tries to serve and be faithful in his callings.
It was especially hard when he was serving in our Bishop Ric and things were on a steady decline. I became unable to be anything to anybody in our ward. I had no hope and little faith by the time our situation climaxed. It was humiliating to put on a show week after week. Finally it was over, and we left. It was such a relief.
We moved in with my parents for a time to get back on our feet. We started going to a ward where everyone already knew us. It was difficult to explain why we were there. People just assumed we were building a new home somewhere and were living with my parents for the interim. I still wasn't able to serve in a calling teaching and so they put me in the nursery. I was comfortable and out of sight. I felt at home and had hope of starting to recover spiritually. I had really let myself go.
We decided to move in to my sister's town home this past spring. I had no intention of switching wards . I just couldn't. We were eventually (and kindly I might add) encouraged to start attending the ward where we lived. I didn't want to and became bitter towards the idea of leaving where I finally felt comfortable. It broke my heart to move my children around again. They had been through so much. But we felt it was the right thing, so we went.
Do you know what its like to walk into a new ward of well to do people who live in beautiful homes with perfectly manicured yards where the mother stays at home and the father has (obviously) a fabulous job etc etc etc? For me it was another shot in the bucket. I knew right away that that I wouldn't fit in. I have nothing in common with anyone here. There isn't a soul in the congregation who could possibly understand what we've been through and the uncertainty that we face. Nor do we want them to.
But the "problem" is. . people are kind here. They genuinely want to serve and get to know us. I know I can't put them off forever . . .But it is emotionally hard and embarrassing to try and explain our current circumstances to a jillion different people...or anybody for that matter.
Our home teacher came over for the first time tonight. Of course he was eager to get to know a new little family in the ward. He saw through any positive attempt at a facade immediately. He was so kind and offered such wonderful words of encouragement .
These times we are in will in fact one day be a distant memory.
They will.
I felt hope today.
I am ready to come back. I know where to start. This sadly isn't my first rodeo.The Lord has told me many times in many different ways what He wants me to do. I haven't yet. But I am ready to now. I have been prideful and bitter...and have a lot of repenting to do.
My husband and children deserve so much better!
The other day
Nie Nie (who's trials are so much greater than mine could ever hope to be) posted on her 2 year anniversary how happy she was to have 2 years of what will be a life long trial in some form or fashion behind her.
I am so grateful for where I am this year at this time as opposed to last year. This time last year was so bleak. It was a terrible place to be. In one longish year we have come so far. . .it is behind us!And we will keep moving forward.
For that I am so grateful,
YAY for second, er third chances.





ps....honey maybe you could edit my posts?. I am not a English major.I simply don't know how. love you.

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