Friday, April 5, 2019

Keep Trying

Last year I wrote a diddy on Instagram about having gone to Vegas and whelp coming home with a tattoo. Shortly after sharing I archived the post for personal reasons. The whole ship and sha bang had not gone over well so it was for the best.

The tattoo came about during an extremely trying time in my life two years ago. I was struggling through an extraordinary bout of depression. Six weeks prior to this solo trip to Vegas I had fallen while searching for the Elf on the Shelf. I fell off my night stand and utterly destroyed my knee in the process searching for THE ELF ON THE @#$#%@$ SHELF.
Got it? It feels necessary to share this in order to highlight I went from low to lowwwww.
It's been 2 years and I'll probably be talking about it for well, the rest of ever! It will be probably still be hurting well into the eternities for good measure. An experience I wouldn't wish on anyone!

Any wayssss .. I came home from that Vegas trip with a tattoo on my shoulder that said-

keep trying;

Complete with semi colon to emphasize the fact and really drag it home that I needed to continue.
To keep up the fight for good, for my family, for myself. I wanted a physical memento I would see every single day that would remind me under no circumstances was I to give up.

Shortly after writing the post on Instagram (which came 11 months after the tattoo if you're not keeping up;) I decided to have it removed in an effort to make peace within my marriage and be obedient. (It is cultural commandment within the LDS church that thou shalt not get tattoos!)

If I'm being honest the decision to have it removed set off an internal storm that won't be calmed by ignoring it. Believe me, I've tried. Apparently, it needs a voice. I need a voice. I felt silenced before. It was totally unintentional but it didn't serve me well and I know I must not allow that to happen again.

I have great need to be true to myself. I need my truth to not be hidden. Why is authenticity so important to me? Because there is a perfectionist who lives within me. She cannot be pleased. I will never be enough. She's noisy and disrespectful. She causes my authentic self deep shame and for that reason I hide a lot. The only way to set myself free is to expose what she would have me hide. It's thrilling really; to escape her grasp every now and then.

A little over a year ago I continued to REALLY struggle spiritually. This has been going on for a really long time. I just feel the need to let it out. I hate rocking the boat so I internalize so so much. One can only do that for so long before the mental mayhem is ready to explode on everything around it. So being the smart woman I am I was like what if I just write it here on this blog that is probably only read by strangers who don't give a damn anyway and keep the explosion a little more tidy!? I am going to Marie Kondo the explosion of emotion if you will. GENIUS.

Now that I have likely totally confused you with sloppy writing I am going to start from the top, which is actually the bottom, for this post anyway.
Stay with me! HA!

In between the time I got the tattoo and then began to remove it I had this REALLY incredible spiritual experience. It is written in the archived post I wrote about above. It is too hard emotionally for me to read it right now so I will only write here what I remember from memory.
Which in a nutshell is this-
I was ready to leave my family and the church and well everything. I was in a very very dark place emotionally, spiritually and physically. I was sitting on the couch when a very strong feeling came that I needed to decide if I was in the church or out. Whatever my decision was my actions needed to follow suit. In my mind I chose that I would stay and immediately the darkness I had been feeling dissipated and went away. It truly was miraculous.
I began to meet with my bishop and work through a few things. I got a temple recommend; I remember it making me more happy than I thought it would when I finally got it. I had pulled myself together! Again! It was glorious.

Okay, that's the story that's already been told. Now I really want to write about what followed. Which I am going to do in a separate post for the sake of what shall be a total lack of brevity I'm sure.

The End

No comments:

Follow by Email