Wednesday, June 19, 2019

cats got my tongue

I know my Instagram post on being free and belonging a few days ago was a little vague ðŸ˜…
Mostly because the words I needed to explain myself weren’t there. In their place have been only feelings that I couldn’t convey. I’ve had family and friends reach out and being that I am the least eloquent person I know it’s best to just write it for anyone who’s curious. Sorry to those few who had to suffer through the rambling verbal edition. 

This feels like déjà vu! ðŸ˜†

I have struggled with perfectionism for what seems like my entire adult life. It started many years ago when I was presented with a REALLY big problem and I just didn’t have the tools to fix the thing. It needed to be fixed in such a way that was JUST SO. 
I did everything within my capacity to solve it but in the end I failed because the one thing I needed to fix didn’t reside within me.
That mindset of trying to get things exactly right trickled down to pretty much every other area of my life. 
I’m not talking about the kind of perfectionism where you like to APPEAR perfect. Although I know that is a struggle too, this is very different. 
This is a problem in my mind. 
This is where you feel like you must get things exactly right in every regard; but you just can’t. You spend all your energy striving for a standard that you will never ever attain. You actually NEVER do attain it, because it doesn’t exist. Your efforts no matter how grandiose or meager will never be enough. 
Progress becomes almost impossible to recognize.
Insert a million possible scenarios for struggle here! 

There may be people that reject you because of it. But the one that rejects you the very most is your own self. 

Do you know what happens when you’re chasing after something you can’t catch? An ideal you’ll never reach? An expectation that didn’t belong to you to begin with?? 

You become a wee bit insane in your membrane.
You become depressed. 

While I have been affected with struggles in many areas the hardest one of the lot, other than what started it, has been the failure time and time again of my spiritual health. The ups and downs over and over and over have exhausted me. It became this endless cycle. I would work hard and come up only to inevitably cycle back down- all while trying to maintain an image, a marriage, and a steady spiritual environment for my children because HEAVEN FORBID they know I’m human and I’m flawed.  Like probably more so than the average human ðŸ¤·ðŸ»‍♀️

These cultures we live in are somewhat nonsensical to me. I know they mean well but personally they have been more harmful than anything. 
It’s like when my husband lovingly reached out to caress my arm in bed this morning. I was still asleep and he didn’t land on my arm but in my arm pit and I thought he was trying to tickle me and I’ll pop a cap in sancho for such a thing ðŸ¤£ðŸ¤£ðŸ¤£
There is obviously a huge chasm between meaning well and actually doing so. 

So when I say I can’t be that woman for even one more day that is what I mean. What started with good intentions has become me doing all the right things for very wrong reasons over the years. Which is probably the reason I have repeatedly failed. 

So what’s the cure for that?  For me personally, it’s to reject it. Those classifications, representations, and the social hierarchy within the church that we all know exist?

No, thank you. 

I’m trying to reject them in any and every area of my life but especially within the church because that is where I’ve been hurt most. 
I know, I KNOW there those who have not had this same experience, I’m happy for you! ðŸ™ðŸ¼ 
Then there are those of you who know exactly what I’m talking about, you’re tired too. 
Even if I'm completely the minority here I feel like it's important to still speak up!

To be clear I love the gospel and the community that comes with it. The culture that surrounds it is very gray to me.

I had my forearm tattooed because I felt moved to do so. It’s a physical reminder that declares my pursuit of that quintessential woman is over. I know it; but I want everyone else to know it too. I can be sure now that I’ll never again try to be something I’m not. My squareness isn’t fitting into that roundness. Do you follow? ðŸ˜‚

Whatever it is I wanted people to think of me when they looked at me- I’m not that! I tried to be but wasn’t. 
So then I pretended to be and was miserable. 

I’m marked now, again, but conspicuously so this time. 
As taboo as that is in my neck of the woods I just don’t care. While I love the ink in my skin it isn’t about that. It goes so much deeper. It honors my struggle. It manifests outwardly what I feel inside but have tried to keep hidden. In a very strange way it mentally frees me from a dog and pony show that has grown old. 

I understand that we all come from different walks of life and there are many that don’t understand my journey. That is okay. Then there are those of you that this resonates with. Whoever you are I hope you will give yourself the permission to take your own journey in a way that feels right to you ðŸ’œ

I’ve made my bed and I sleep like a baby. 
Ba da bing. Ba da boom ðŸ’¥ 

1 comment:

beth said...

Good for you! I have some experience with this. I won't hijack your post with my story.
It can be hard, but we definitely need a lot of people to change their thoughts on how everyone is supposed to be perfectly the same!

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